The rules of the Eishet Yefat To'ar outlined at the beginning of Parashat Ki Teitzei seem awful and disturbing.  For many years I have been searching for an explanation of the humanity of these laws.   After many years of contemplation, I humbly set forth my thoughts.

What the Torah Says vs. What We Would Expect the Torah to Say

Devarim 21:10-14 states: When thou goest forth to battle against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God deliver them into thy hands, and thou carries them away captive, and seest among the captives a woman of goodly form, and thou hast a desire unto her, and wouldest take her to thee to wife; then thou shalt bring her home to thy house, and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails, and she shall put the raiment of her captivity from her, and shall remain in thy house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month; and after that thou mayest go in unto her and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife. And it shall be, if thou have no delight in her, then thou shalt let her go whither she will, but thou shalt not sell her at all for money, thou shalt not deal with her as a slave, because thou hast humbled her.

We would have expected the Torah to say: When thou goest forth to battle against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God deliver them into thy hands, and thou carries them away captive, and seest among the captives a woman of goodly form, and thou hast a desire unto her, and wouldest take her to thee to wife; then thou shalt say: “NO!” and then thou shalt walk away.

Four Points of Explanation 

The following four points help place the Eishet Yefat To'ar rules in perspective:

#1: The Chassidishe Rebbe and the Suicidal Chassid

A Chassid told his Rebbe he wanted to end his life and instead of yelling at him, the Rebbe empathized with the Chassid and helped him plan out his suicide.  The Rebbe suggested various suicide methods but then noted each of their drawbacks.  He kept trying to discover a satisfactory solution but found problems with every potential solution.  The Rebbe told him to return in two weeks to resume the conversation.  The Chassid realized that someone finally understood his pain and predicament.  Had the Rebbe yelled, the Chassid would have thought that even his trusted and beloved Rebbe did not understand him. He was in a high emotional state, and you could not reason with someone like that.   The Chassid never returned to the Rebbe to discuss the matter further and did not attempt suicide.  

#2: My Ten-Year-Old Cousin in Efrat

There were two ten-year-olds in Efrat who were angry and eager to engage in a fistfight. They asked my cousin to referee the fight, and he agreed. He then set forth a list of rules they had to follow if they wanted to fight and have him referee. By the time he finished, they had realized they did not want to fight anymore since there were so many rules.

#3: Platoon Movie from 1986

In 1986, I watched the movie Platoon, which is a very vivid and very intense depiction of the brutal horror of war.  I even asked my father, a three-and-a-half-year World War 2 combat war veteran, to join me in watching the movie [1].  After walking out of the movie staggered by what I had seen, I asked my father if this was what the war was actually like, and he responded with two words: “much worse.”

#4: The persistent and horrific problems of war rape

War rape is a heinous issue that often happens in war and persists until this day in the Russian war against Ukraine [2].  The persistence of this horrible behavior points to the fact that legislation alone is an ineffective tool to prevent and combat war rape.  

The Torah’s Strategies to Combat War Rape

Rashi (to Devarim 21:11 citing Kiddushin 21b) notes, “לֹא דִּבְּרָה תוֹרָה אֶלָּא כְּנֶגֶד יֵצֶר הָרַע,” the Torah presents an effective means to counter war rape.  Hashem is trying to convince a combat soldier at an intense emotional high to calm down and refrain from terrible behavior.  The soldiers are ordinary people that become crazed due to combat. They just need to be delayed and calmed a bit.  Saying no with an exclamation point in such a situation is utterly ineffective.  

Had the Torah outright said no, the soldier, in his unbalanced state, would reject the Torah’s exhortation as incompatible with his emotional needs.  Instead of saying just walk away, the Torah imposes a long set of rules to help calm the soldier.  It also slows him down by first spending thirty days back home away from the war front to help him settle back into his normal emotional patterns and thought processes before marrying this woman.  

Judging by the pervasiveness of the issue of war rape, it seems that army legislation does not work, which just adds to the logic behind the Torah’s strategy.

Finally, the first three mitzvot in Ki Teitzei: Eishet Yefat To'ar, Isha Senu’ah – the hated wife, and Ben Sorer U’Moreh, also strongly discourage war rape. 

This Semichut Parshi’ot (juxtaposition), the aforementioned Rashi notes, communicates to the soldier that beginning a marital relationship horribly - starting it out based on just physical attraction - will lead to an awful family relationship yielding angry and rebellious children.

The Torah is subtly telling the soldier that while Hashem is not directly forbidding this relationship, the soldier should realize that if he yields to his overwrought emotions, he will pave a path of utter familial dysfunctionality.  How would one expect otherwise by forcing a woman into an alien environment with a husband with whom she has no relationship?  She hates her environment and husband, who she is forced to join.  Children from such marriages will be rebellious since they are raised by an angry and resentful mother.  

Conclusion

The Eishet Yefat To’ar rules, at first glance, seem horrifying and inhumane.  However, upon reflection, one realizes that these Halachot reflect Hashem’s brilliant manner of dealing with human emotion and effectively convinces a soldier not to commit war rape.  

Postscript

The TABC Talmidim wondered if an Eishet Yefat To’ar ever happened.  I responded  that while it’s possible that it never happened, the Gemara does not record such an approach.  By contrast, the Gemara (Sanhedrin 71a) does quote opinions that Ir HaNidachat, Ben Sorer U’Moreh, and Tzara’at HaBayit never happened. 

Moreover, the Gemara (Sanhedrin 21a) states that David HaMelech married numerous women under the laws of Eishet Yefat To’ar.  This Gemara, however, may be seen as cautionary, as David HaMelech’s family was filled with murder and other horrors, which may just help prove the point of the Torah’s rejection of war rape. 

[1]  In retrospect, it was a severe error to watch a movie like this with its unbridled depiction of raw and extreme violence.  It was also a severe mistake to ask my father to relive the horror of war.  To his credit and my amazement, my father never complained about my taking him to this movie.  

[2] https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/04/26/ukraine-war-rape-sexual-assault/.