2021/5782
“I can’t believe he posted that about you! Are you just going to let him get away with that?!”
“Definitely not.”
“Are you going to post something nasty back?”
“Don’t think so.”
“You’ll get him back in some other way?”
“Nope.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I think I’ll approach him calmly, and discuss it.”
“Oh. I didn’t consider that.”
Unfortunately, this isn’t always our first reaction to conflict, but it’s usually the most productive. We aren’t in the position to, Chas VeShalom, judge Yosef’s brothers, but in describing their disagreement, the Torah hints to us a strategy for conflict resolution. Rav Yonasan Eibuschitz notes that regarding the brothers’ relationship with Yosef, the Torah says, “ולא יכלו דברו לשלום,” “And they were unable to speak to them in peace” (BeReishit 37:4). He explains that often, negative feelings that are harbored grow stronger with time. Often, the offender isn’t even aware that he has hurt someone. On the other hand, when one approaches a friend to discuss the pain which he caused, the offender will often apologize, and commit to never repeat such behavior - thus putting an end to the negative feelings. The Torah indicates that had the brothers discussed with Yosef their reactions to his behavior, his sale and the subsequent negative fallout could potentially have been avoided.
In fact, many מפרשים explain that when the פסוק tells us, “לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך הוכח תוכיח את עמיתך,” “Do not hate your brother in your heart, you shall surely rebuke your fellow” (VaYikra 19:17), the Torah is describing a strategy: if you want to avoid hating someone, tell them you are upset, because this will lead to reconciliation.
Hopefully, we should never experience negative interactions with others. But if we do, let us learn from the holy שבטים to apply this strategy promptly, allowing us to restore peace, and strengthen relationships.