2019/5780
In this week’s Parashah, Parashat VaYeira, we see the extent of the relationship between Avraham and his son Yishma’eil. After Yitzchak is born, Avraham is told by Sarah to exile Hagar and Yishma’eil, to which the Pasuk says “VaYeira HaDavar Me’od Be’Einei Avraham,” “And the thing was very bad in Avraham’s eyes” (BeReishit 21:11), that it distressed him very much. It is only after Hashem tells Avraham to listen to Sarah’s request and guarantees him that Yishma'eil will also grow into a nation that he finally evicts Yishma’eil and Hagar; they eventually find themselves in Mitzrayim, and Yishma'eil moves on and gets married. The logical assumption is that Yishma'eil grew apart from his father, both emotionally and physically, and eventually distanced himself from Avraham. It is possible that there could even have been a sense of anger on Yishma'eil’s part. After all, he was evicted from the home he was born in, forced away from the life of comfort and wealth that we can assume was Avraham’s household.
Yet the Midrash Seifer HaYashar (Parashat VaYeira 11) writes that Avraham Avinu said to Sarah one day that he wished to go and see his son Yishma'eil. Sarah consented, so long as Avraham didn’t dismount from his camel. Avraham went out in search of Yishma'eil and heard that he was in the desert. When he arrived, he saw Yishma'eil’s wife and children and asked where he was. She replied that he and his mother had gone off hunting, not realizing who Avraham was. Avraham then asked her for some water, to which she replied that they had “neither water nor bread.” Meanwhile, she had not even looked up at Avraham, and was cursing and hitting her children, as well as cursing Yishma'eil.
Avraham then told her to relay the following message: a man from Eretz Pelishtim came and said, “Haseir Et Yateid Ha’Ohel HaZeh Asher Natatah Poh VeSamta Tachtehah Yateid Acheret,” “Remove the current nail of your tent and put in another nail instead.” With these words, Avraham left. After Yishma'eil came back, he heard the message and immediately divorced his current wife. He then entered into Eretz Canaan and married a new wife. When Avraham came back three years later and the new wife greeted him as a guest, he told her to tell Yishma'eil, “HaYateid SheSamta Poh Ba’Ohel Tovah Me’od Al Tesirenah Min HaOhel,” “The nail which you have placed in your tent is very good; do not remove it from the tent.” When Yishma'eil heard this, the Midrash concludes, “VaYevareich Yishma'eil Et Hashem,” “And Yishma’eil blessed Hashem.”
R’ Zecharia Wallerstein says that from this Midrash, we see the amount of love and effort Avraham invested into Yishma'eil, to the point where even when Yishma’eil had been exiled from his household and separated from his father for so long, his father’s opinion was still meaningful to him. We see this love demonstrated again in the Parashah, when Hashem says to Avraham, “Kach Na Et Bincha Et Yechidcha Asher Ahavta Et Yitzchak,” “Take, please, your son, your only one, whom you love, Yitzchak” (BeReishit 22:2). The Midrash Tanchuma (VaYeira 22) explains that Hashem commands Avraham to take his son, to which he replies, “Which son?” Hashem then tells Avraham to take his only son, to which Avraham replies that each son is the only child of their mother. Hashem then says to take “the son which you love,” to which Avraham replies that he loves both of his sons. Hashem continues, “Et Asher Ahavta Harbeh,” “Whom you love very much,” to which Avraham responds, “VeChi Yeish Gevul BaMei’ayim,” “But is there really a boundary in the innards?” Is fatherly love really quantifiable, such that a father could compare his love for his two sons and find one quantity greater than the other? Finally, Hakadosh Baruch Hu names the son He wants: “Yitzchak.”
Rabbi Wallerstein notes that this exchange happens after Avraham banishes Yishma'eil, showing how hard it was for Avraham to say that he loved Yishma'eil less than Yitzchak. But what is the point of this? We know for a fact that Yitzchak was the Avraham’s ‘main’ offspring, for Hashem says to Avraham, “Ki BeYitzchak Yikkarei Lecha Zara,” “For through Yitzchak, descendants shall be called yours” (BeReishit 21:12); Avraham’s lineage will continue through Yitzchak, not Yishma'eil. Furthermore, Yishma'eil was far from the attributes that characterized Avraham Avinu.
Rabbi Wallerstein says that from here we see the lengths to which a Jewish parent must go for his child. Unfortunately, in some families, there is going to be a troublemaker who causes strife in the family and goes off the Torah path. What does a parent do? He gives this child unconditional love. He shows that he truly cares for him and wishes the best for him, even if they are at odds with each other. But that does not mean giving in to his demands. Unconditional love means that a parent does what is necessary for a child to develop properly, even if that means that the child may hate the parent and scream, kick, and yell until his voice gives out. Because if the parent shies away from reprimands and tough love, that is conditional love; to refrain from giving a child the message he needs to hear would mean, “I love you on the condition that you love me back.”