2023/5784
Baruch Hashem was have an amazing community. We have established a culture that when someone is in need, there are so many of us that get up to help. From meal trains after a new mother gives birth, to providing food for shiva, giving donations to every orginazation that gives us a call, or sending gifts to Israel for displaced families, we come together to help those in need.
But when we do Chessed we have to ask ourselves: what is the reason and motivation behind the chessed? Is the chessed for the person in need, or really is it for us to feel good about ourselves? Several years ago a young husband told me a story that clarifies this question. This young husband and father of two unfortunately lost his wife. He was very stubborn and did not really want to accept help from anyone, but the people of his community still stepped up to help, especially with meals.
This now young widower related the difference between two people that helped him. The first person knocked on the door to bring food every week, and when the young widower opened the door, the man would hand the food over and talk to the young widower for 15 to 20 minutes, sometimes even staying for an hour because he thought that was what the husband wanted. In reality, the young widower found this very annoying and grew resentful whenever this person would drop off food. The second person would also drop off food, but what this person would do is leave the food hanging on the door, ring the bell and walk away. When the widower would reach the door, he would only see the person pulling out of the driveway. No talking, no waving, no interactions, just purely dropping off food.
The young widower would describe this as exactly what he needed at this moment. It became clear that the first person would drop off food to make themselves feel good, to give them the impression that they were helping out this widower and was there for them in a time of need, but in reality they were doing more harm than good. The second person received zero credit, zero satisfaction, and couldn’t tell anyone what he was doing, but this is what was needed for the widower at the time.
In this week’s Parashah, we read about the emotional exchange between Yosef and the brothers. Yosef could not control his emotions forever and eventually broke down, revealing his identity to his brothers. The only thing Yosef was really concerned about at that time was the wellbeing of his father, Yaakov, due to the special bond they shared before his sale. However, if Yosef was so concerned for his father, why didn’t he send him a message years earlier to let Yaakov that he was still alive and not to worry? Yosef knew how much Yaakov Avinu loved him and how much his death would devastate him, so why wouldn’t Yosef want to alleviate his father of that pain?
The Ohr HaChaim suggests two answers. First, Yosef was scared for his life. If he were to reveal himself or send a letter to Yaakov, perhaps the brothers would intercept the letter and, out of fear of the divulging of their original lie, go and kill Yosef! This would explain why Yosef only revealed himself to the brothers after meeting them many times and giving them much food for the famine to curry favor in their eyes and for the brothers to see Yosef’s new and impressive status.
Second, Yosef really wanted to send word to his father as soon as possible, and given his status and level of protection, he was not actually scared for his life. What scared Yosef was the embarrassment that his brothers would feel should Yaakov discover they lied to him. As we learned from the Yehuda and Tamar story from the Gemara in Brachot (43b), “It is better to jump in a fiery furnace than shame his fellow”. Even though Yosef knew the pain he was causing Yaakov and wanted to see and hug Yaakov with all of his heart, her forgoed that embrace and his desire to do what was right in his brothers’ best interest.
The best type of Chessed can sometimes be painful, but if it is what the other person really needs, it is more important to minimize ourselves in order to place someone else’s needs before our own. Sometimes we do Chessed only for people we know, or sometimes we do Chessed because everyone will say what great people we are, but we should try Chessed for the Chessed’s sake, not our own. Obviously we should have a feeling of satisfaction when we do Chessed as it should change us and make us better, but before jumping for the latest and greatest Chessed opportunity, we should consider our motivation. Is it for the Chessed, or for us?
What we learn from Yosef is that we should try not to mention nor publicize our Chessed to others. This shows us, the person we are trying to help, and Hashem that we care more about those in need than ourselves.