Celebrating A .3% BAC (And Still Coherent!)

 
Kol Jachter

A [THIS WORD DELETED BY RABBI JACHTER] Publication of the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission

The Festival of Lotteries 6-11-15-23-24-34-27 [Powerball!!]           This Week's Jackpot: $2 zillion


This year, as in the past several years, Kol Torah has decided not to publish a Purim issue.  (Especially after that Ma’ayanot thing.)  That means that what you are currently reading does not actually exist and is simply a hallucination caused by an excess of alcohol.


In This Issue:

Sanchan S. Rastaman
Anonymous Submission
The Correct-O-Matic®
Gadol of the Week
Rude Thoughts
Gematria Corner
As the Grogger Turns
The Kol Torah Home Game
Leniency of the Week

This week’s issue of Kol Jachter has been sponsored by
NORPAC
, Bikkurei Sukkah, Gray Matter, the National Society
to Promote the Letter X, and the American Sephardic Federation




 

Barney and Friends
by Sanchan S. Rastaman

A wise man once told his grandson, “Sonny, there are always two sides to a story,” meaning that when you and your siblings go to your parents with a quarrel and your parents have to hear “both sides of the story,” they’re just being fair.  So here’s a question: Why doesn’t Haman have a say in the Purim story?  I mean, sure we have to write him off as a Rasha because of the whole “look at me, I’m going to kill all the Jews” thing, but did we ever stop to think if deep down inside he really was a good guy?  Maybe he had some good intention or other?  Although unlikely, it is possible.  We only hear Mordechai’s side of the story; is that really fair?
In answering this question, I believe we must consider the following.  1) Haman was an Amalek dude and the Holy Torah commands us to stamp out the name of Amalek/kill them.  2) Haman really did want to kill all of the Jews.  3) They made a rule that anybody wearing a funky hat with three corners does not have a say in any argument they may or may not be the center of.  So no, I do not think we should stop even for a second to consider that maybe Haman’s side of the Purim story is worth listening to, and yes, I believe we are completely justified in making fun that he is pushing up daisies somewhere in Iran and we are reading a student publication safe and sound in the United States of America.  (Soon to be the United States of Rabbi Jachter, bwahahahaha!!!!)
If it is any consolation to him, the PBS (Channel 13) program, Barney, dedicated a song from their most enjoyable (cough) show to him.  The song goes as follows, “My hat, it has 3 corners.  3 Corners has my hat.  And had it not 3 corners, it would not be my hat.”  As you go around in the song, you take away another word from the lyrics each time you finish the round.  It ends up sounding like “mmmm mm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mm, mmm mmm mmm, mmm, mmmm mmmm.”   (It’s quite a lively jig, if I do say so myself.)  This is a very appropriate method of singing the song because we are in effect erasing the name of Amalek (a commandment from our Holy Torah) from the song every time we sing it.  So parents, I guess what I’m trying to say is: If your kids watch Barney on Purim, it’s not the end of the world.

Super Bowl XLVIII: Part CLXVII of MCCLXVIII
Contributed on Condition of Anonymity

This week we will continue our discussion of Halachot related to the Super Bowl.  We will continue to answer your questions.

Do We Say Tachanun on Super Bowl Sunday?
Of course not!  A Chassidic Rabbi was asked this same question.  He responded, “Of course we would not say Tachanun on Super Bowl Sunday!”  His disciples asked him, “Don’t you believe that one is not allowed to watch television?”  This issue has still not been resolved.

What if Super Bowl Sunday Falls Out on Shabbat?
That’s a really stupid question, but we’ll deal with it anyway.  Watching the Super Bowl is a Mitzvah from the Torah, as the Torah says, “Regalim Tachog Li Bashanah,” “You shall celebrate feet for me once a year.”  The Gemara (Masechet Lombardi 12a) derives from this Pasuk that one must watch the Super Bowl.  Therefore, if watching the Super Bowl is a Mitzvah, and there is a Lo Taaseh of violating Shabbat by turning on one’s television, then we could apply the principle of “Aseh Docheh Lo Taaseh,” “A positive commandment overrules a negative commandment.”  Perhaps you are saying that there is also a positive commandment regarding Shabbat, and a positive commandment does not overrule both a positive and a negative commandment.  Perhaps you are not the person writing this article.  Perhaps I am.  Perhaps you should listen to me and stop coming up with your own “Chidushei Torah.”  Perhaps you should acknowledge that I am infinitely more intelligent than you are, especially because you asked, “What if Super Bowl Sunday falls out on Shabbat?”

Do I Also Have To Watch the Commercials?
Well, that depends on the commercial.  Some commercials, like beer commercials, may not be missed for any reason, because the viewer will ultimately decide (after seeing some grotesque scene) that the commercial really makes him want to go out and buy a 6-pack of beer.  This will, of course, cause him to enjoy the Mitzvah of watching the Super Bowl more (fulfilling Ivdu Et Hashem Besimcha), since what is better than drinking beer and watching grown men attack each other at the 30-yard line?

How Big Should My TV Be?
That’s a controversial issue.  One modern Posek ruled based on the Mishnah in Succah that says that a Lulav must be at least 4 Tefachim so that one can shake it.  This Posek (who wanted to remain anonymous in this article) said that if a referee were to make a bad call, it would be imperative upon every Jew to immediately display his anger at the referee.  One method for doing so would be to shake one’s television.  Therefore, this Posek rules that one’s television should be at least 4 Tefachim so that, if necessary, one would be able to noticeably shake it.  (I am getting a 10% commission at your nearest electronics store, whose name I am not allowed to mention in this article, but let’s just say it’s on Route 4, and you can call me for directions.)

Is a Person Excused From Watching the Super Bowl If His Friend (Who Has Eaten His 18th Hoagie) Needs Someone To Perform the Heimlich Maneuver?
There is a very heated debate about this issue in modern Halachic works.  The majority of Poskim believe that this can only be done during the commercials (unless the commercials are the important part; this is also subject to debate).  Therefore, these Poskim suggest that if someone were choking during the Super Bowl, then the appropriate thing to do would be to say, “Hold on, I’m watching the Super Bowl now, but when there’s a commercial, I’ll be happy to help you.”  The American Red Cross disagrees.

Next week, we will discuss the Halachot of the Super Bowl pre-game.

The Correct-o-matic
From the people who brought you Yichud Breakers

Imagine this scenario:  It’s a fast day, and you’re listening to the 13-year old Baal Koreh make a fool of himself.  Suddenly, you hear him make a mistake.  Unfortunately, though, you have a severe case of laryngitis, and you have to make a presentation later that day about the extreme importance of being Machmir.  If only you could yell at the Baal Koreh and prove, once and for all, that you are a more proficient Baal Koreh than he.  Too bad.  Then, you remember!  You reach into your pocket and pull out The Correct-o-matic®, the automatic Baal Koreh corrector!  You press the Correct!™ button and it promptly yells, at a whopping 100 decibels, “Ha!  You just made a mistake!  You idiot! You couldn’t lain if your life depended on it!” 
Saved again by The Correct-o-matic®.  The Correct-o-matic® is so powerful, it even picks up mistakes in emphasis!  Now, you’ll never have to scream in order to embarrass the Baal Koreh.  The Correct-o-matic® is made from a titanium alloy and requires two AA batteries.  (Coming soon to locations near you – The Correct-o-matic® for Shabbos and Yom Tov!)
But that’s not all!  Look at all you get with your Correct-o-matic®:
    ·         You have our guarantee that if The Correct-o-matic® ever fails to make a Baal Koreh break down in tears, you’ll get a full refund, no questions asked!
    ·         The Correct-o-matic® has new SilentSense™ technology that automatically notices when the Baal Koreh has momentarily stopped reading.  It automatically reads the next word – so now, even if the Baal Koreh knows what he’s doing – you can still make him look like a fool!

Gadol of the Week: The Genericer Rav

The Genericer Rav was born in 1627 in the small town of Kiev, Poland.  He showed signs of being a Gadol from an early age.  When he was two months old, an older man asked him to please get a Masechet Shekalim.  The Rav replied, “Bavli or Yerushalmi”?  The man replied, “Foolish child!  There is only a Yerushalmi on Shekalim!”  The young Gadol replied, “Yes, but I know enough that if there were a Bavli on Shekalim, I would know what it said.”  Everyone in the room beamed and immediately started praising the child.
When he was 17, the Genericer Rav began to learn in Kollel.  Every day he learned he got up at 2 a.m., learned for 9 hours, davened Shacharit, learned for another 15 hours, davened Mincha, learned for another 7 hours, then davened Maariv, ate a small dinner of rice wheels and cottage cheese and learned for 7 hours, finally going to sleep at 1 a.m.   (Some say that the Rav made use of his vast knowledge of Qabbalah in accomplishing this feat.)
Eventually, the Genericer Rav got married to a much younger woman wearing a Sheitel.  One day, a poor man came to the door asking for a Bracha of Parnasa.  The Rav said, “I pray that you become sick and unable to leave the house.”  The man became furious and left.  The Rav’s wife asked him, “Why did you pray for such a terrible thing?”  The Rav answered, “I saw in a dream last night that the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes camera crew would show up at this man’s door, but he would not win the $30 million jackpot because no one would be home.  Now, the man will be forced to stay home.”
One day, the Rav was traveling on a train from Poland to Brazil.  Sitting next to him was a man who was not aware of the Gadlus of the Rav sitting next to him.  The man offered the Rav a beer.  The Rav responded, “If only your soul were as clear as that beer.”
On his deathbed, the Rav requested a piece of cheese.  His disciples asked, “Why do you want cheese?”  The Rav responded, “Because it is Swiss cheese, so it must be holy.”  The Rav’s disciples realized that only a great Gadol such as the Genericer Rav could get away with such a stupid pun.
The Genericer Rav passed away in 1931, and his more than 300 trillion disciples attended the funeral.  Some report that you could see the Rav floating in the air, laughing and saying, “That cheese was so moldy, but I will be rewarded for the pain that I endured in eating it.”

Rude Thoughts
by Plato, the Talking Karp

6 Questions
Time: Toch Kidei Dibur… Time’s Up!

Section I: Multiple Choice:

1)       The Megillah says that one is supposed to send Mishloach Manot “Ish Lireehu.”  This includes:
a)       Your friends
b)       People who sent to you, but to whom you did not intend to send.
c)       Everyone in your shul (for $180)
d)       The shul Rabbi

2)       Why didn’t Achashverosh just e-mail all the people in his empire to tell them not to kill the Jews?
a)       His Internet provider was down
b)       Because we didn’t have e-mail back then.  You know, son, back then, things were different.  I had to walk to school in the blinding snow at the crack of dawn.  It was 30 miles – uphill, both ways.  In fact, we didn’t have roads.  With all your newfangled e-mail gadgets, you don’t have time for the important things in life – like hard work and dedication.  That’s what kids need these days, hard work and dedication.  Why, when I was your age, we used to milk the cows at 3 a.m.  In fact, they weren’t real cows – we couldn’t afford real cows.  We just took sheep and put them on ladders to pretend they were cows.  Try sending a cow through the e-mail, that’s what I think.
c)       Microsoft Outlook does not allow people to send e-mails that big, unless you pay a $20 a month fee.  Achashverosh had already spent all his wealth on MSN.

3)       Which character in the Megillah should win the Oscar for best supporting actor/actress?
a)       Vashti – they love villains
b)       Charvonah – in one Pasuk, he makes such a dramatic performance
c)       The tree – it was very supportive (Ha!)

Section II: Essay Questions:

1) From our “EmPHAsis on the Wrong SyLLAble Department”: The second verse of Megillat Esther says that King Achashverosh’s chair was floating in “Shushan Habirah,” literally, “Shushan Beer.”  Where is Shushan Beer manufactured?  Is it alcoholic?  Where can I get it?

2) What song was sung when Esther married Achashverosh?  Was it, “Here she comes, Miss Shushan”?

3) Did Haman have triangular ears?  Were his ears filled with jelly?  How did the kids in first grade make fun of him?

If you have a response to these questions, please contact us at president@whitehouse.gov (You can expect an automatic e-mail.)

Seriously, when have we ever published your responses?

Gematria Corner That’s Not In a Corner
by Someone With Too Much Time

Every week, three students write for Kol Torah.  Often, they write very offensive articles, and they arouse much anger in our readers.  This can be alluded to in a Gematria.  The product of three times the Gematria of the word חימה, anger, which is 64, is 192.  Each issue of Kol Torah has an article written by a רב in the school, and a Food For Thought, as well as an article by Rabbi Jachter.  If one adds up the Gematria of  רב (202), אכל (51), and ג'קטר (312), the sum will be 565.  Add this to 192, and the difference is 757.  Subtract 10, for the Aseret Hadibrot, since at least one typographical error in Kol Torah will cause our readers to completely misinterpret the Halacha (it’s not cheating if it’s true), and you get 747, the Gematria of קול תורה.

This Week On the Frum Network
As The Grogger Turns


Reuven and Shimon are brothers.  Reuven marries Rachel and Shimon marries Leah.  Rachel and Leah are sisters.  But then, Shimon is killed in a freak car accident.  Now Reuven is forced to marry Leah.  But how can he marry two sisters?  Then, Levi shows up in town.  Reuven is not too bright, so he doesn’t realize that Levi is going to turn out to be his brother.  When Levi reveals this information to Reuven, Reuven falls into a coma.  Then, Leah tells Levi that she has a darker side of her past.  Levi can’t deal with this, so he tells Rachel.  Then, Reuven wakes up with amnesia and wants to kill Levi.  But Levi has already married Rachel!  Now, Reuven marries Sarah, who turns out to be Rachel’s daughter, and Reuven’s evil twin!  What will happen when Reuven finds out?  Will he try to kill Levi and Sarah, or will he skip town and find a place where he is not related to anyone?  Find out, on the next episode of “As the Grogger Turns.”

Now Back By Popular Demand: The Kol Torah Home Game!

Yes, that’s right!  Now, you can enjoy printing your own version of Kol Torah right in the privacy of your own home!  Do you want to be the writer?  The editor?  The printer?  The distributor?  Rabbi Jachter?  Well, now you can!  The object of the game is to see who can print Kol Torah the fastest.  But make sure you get a sponsor, or you’ll have to pay for the issue yourself!  Also, watch out, because the folding machine can break when you least expect it!
(Available at most toy stores)

Leniency of the Week
One may eat non-kosher food as long as he does not enjoy it.  If he does enjoy eating non-kosher food, he should try to limit his consumption of non-kosher food to Sundays and Thursdays.

 

Staff (Volumes 1-13):
Editors-in-Chief Demeritus: Shooooooky, Reb Effay
“Editors-in-Chief” [ha-ha]: Avi “Avi” Rosenbaum, Simcha “Simcha” Tropp
Responsible For All Mistakes:  frodo, Samwise, Willbo Baggins (Gingy #1)
Extortionists: OBJ, Ziggy
Cutting Class This Friday: Winky!, Andy Feuerstein-Friedman-Green-Katzellenbogen-Schwartz-Stein-Goldberg-Rudin
Gets Us Cash – Fast:  Blue Man Group
Unemployed: Dunkin’ Dunietz, Ken Batz, Gingy #2, Rossman (really unemployed)
Spiderman:
Cappy
Thanks For Allowing Us To Do This:  Rabbi Chaim Jachter

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The publication you have just seen was Purim Torah.  The names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.  Please throw this away into the nearest nuclear waste container, because it will self-destruct in 5 seconds.

 

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